Why do people hate themselves?
What is self-hatred, and what is self-love?
There was a discussion about self-love; my Blogger friend Donna Merill had posted an image and wrote: “I cannot stress how important it is to love yourself. If you want to help others … you have to love yourself first.”
She had put this image, and it is right.
In the discussion on Donna’s post, we came to talk about that some people do not love themselves. And that it has to do with childhood experiences that cause self-hatred. Seeing some stories of others made me think more about and looking for my experiences.
Many of our problems and paradigms come from childhood: divorced parents, alcoholic father, a feeling of not belonging, rejection.
These are for sure strong reasons for feeling unwanted and unsafe and can cause self-hatred.
My parents too divorced when I was seven, in a time when divorce was not as common as today. People were talking very badly about it. After moving several times, I lived with my Mother alone; she bought a house far outside of town in nature.
Wow, what are these two doing there? I biked every day 3 km to school; she went to work in the next town. There was no car,no TV, no phone at that time. The rejecting was felt even in school, and I had no classmates to get together.
But we had vinyl records, I had a piano and we liked to sing and play music. We also had our garden with fruits and vegetables.
I felt in good company with myself, nature, and my books.
My Mother had a lot of books, that I was allowed to read, and some of them are forbidden today. It’s like right now if I Google for research papers that I bookmarked for articles about health, they also disappeared. Anyways.
I have no self-hatred. I accept myself and always want to be me.
To me, I am one being, so who does the hating or loving? And why?
I do not know feelings like this.
See this video: Why do we hate ourselves? Why is it so hard for some of us to just let ourselves be happy?
To feel like we’re good enough and that we deserve to have our dreams come true?
What are the causes of self-hatred?
No person is born with self-loathing, nor does it come by itself or entirely without cause or trigger.
It always starts in childhood. The experiences that kids have can be formative for the entire life and influence personality development. Unfortunately, it can also lay the foundation for great self-hatred.
What exactly triggers it can be very different. The caregivers, the parents, and the family may be responsible. If children feel not good enough and cannot meet expectations or are constantly making mistakes, they will adopt this thinking and attitude. Doubts arise, and self-confidence suffers.
Bullying, isolation, and physical and emotional abuse are also possible causes of self-hatred.
Why do some people struggle with self-loathing while others are more positive about themselves and feel self-love?
It also can have other reasons:
Too high expectations of yourself
The expectations we have of ourselves are also related to the culture, such as our society, the immediate environment, and the experiences in childhood, youth, and adult life. If we have the impression that we are never “enough,” we are dissatisfied with ourselves and can develop self-hatred.
“In the egoic state, your sense of self, your identity, is derived from your thinking mind – in other words, what your mind tells you about yourself: the storyline of you, the memories, the expectations, all the thoughts that go through your head continuously and the emotions that reflect those thoughts. All those things make up your sense of self.” Eckhart Tolle
Also, there can be certain phases, for example, after events such as a separation, termination, or failure, in which we are more prone to self-hatred. For instance, because we blame ourselves or feel guilty.
When we can overcome the psychological low through efforts or support, we can conquer self-hatred.
To whom do we attribute successes and failures?
Some people are looking for the cause of failure in themselves. For example, by thinking, “I’m really too stupid,”
or, “The test was too difficult.”
When we look for the negative causes in ourselves, it can contribute to self-hatred. In our eyes, we are to blame for everything.
But there are ways to escape self-hatred and learn to develop self-love.
How can you overcome self-hatred?
There are several approaches you can take to counteract self-hatred. For example, it is possible to question your thoughts. Is it true what I am thinking? Could there be other reasons why something does not work as I imagine it to be?
One can try to replace unhelpful thoughts and focus on benevolent thoughts. It can also help build self-worth and self-esteem.
We can also influence self-hatred through our behavior by taking good care of ourselves, accept, and bring positive effects to our thoughts.
Who hates whom here?
Another approach you can use to overcome self-hatred is to rethink yourself radically.
Think about the question: Who hates whom here?
Is there a self that is hated and another self that hates? Which of these two are you? Which of the two do you want to be?
For some, these questions probably seem absurd. However, this can be helpful to be able to question and overcome your self-hatred as a whole.
Interestingly enough, what we call selves, is some kind of made-up being, a myth. Your brain can easily create images, assign specific characteristics to them, and give them a name, but ultimately is just a composite of your imagination. It is a self-concept.
You create the idea of yourself continually in an ongoing process. You, or better said your brain, make it constantly that you don’t even notice it. But that doesn’t mean that you can hate this self.
Many books are talking about this, and I read a lot of them. One comes to mind maybe you read it as well; it is “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle.
He writes: “I cannot live with myself any longer.” This was the thought that kept repeating itself in my mind. Then suddenly I became aware of what a peculiar thought it was. “Am I one or two? If I cannot live with myself, there must be two of me: the ‘I’ and the ‘self’ that ‘I’ cannot live with.” “Maybe,” I thought, “only one of them is real.”Here is an excerpt
Maybe you are interested in >The School of Awakening – Eckhart Tolle’s Most Advanced Program
What makes us think we are more than one? Is this not somehow insane?
How to Stop Sabotaging Yourself
It takes some time to think so radically.
If you like, you can try the following: If you notice negative thoughts about yourself, keep asking yourself who thinks so severely of whom. It will give you a new, less biased perspective on yourself.
Thinking about, would we not better say self-acceptance instead of self-love?
One of my posts is about this > How To Feel Good About Yourself.
I feel truly blessed that I did not have a problem with self-acceptance.
Is it the books? The connection to nature? Having a lot of time for self-reflection? Being often alone and not among other maybe condemning people? Or maybe because I grew up with a mother who had to prevail herself? I too learned to go my own way. I do not know.
Thoughts and self-hatred can make you sick and even kill as you can see Bruce Lipton explains in the video below at 6.35min. He also talks about childhood and belief systems that can be the cause of it.
See also Who Gave You Your Belief System?
I think attention to being more conscious is needed if we want to create a better future.
I am happy for the people who can let go of their belief systems, find their true selves, and love and accept themselves.
What about you?
Do you have experienced self-hatred?
I do not like the word and usually do not use it.
What about acceptance, self love ?